The Executive Commissioner: We have a simple plan to eliminate islamophobia in three easy steps.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: Tell me more.
The Executive Commissioner: Well, you see, often people become uneasy in the presence of Mohammedans whom they don’t know, because Mohammedans are often suspected of terrorism.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: Yes, this galloping islamophobia is most infuriating.
The Executive Commissioner: But islamophobia is easy to eliminate, if you take the right steps.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: And what might those steps be?
The Executive Commissioner: Well, you probly noticed that whenever terrorist crimes are committed by Mohammedans, it turns out that most of the Islamo-perps were already known to the police as Mohammedan fanatics.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: Uh, yeah.
The Executive Commissioner: So the police know that the greatest danger emanates from a group of people they have already identified and are, or should be, monitoring.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: So?
The Executive Commissioner: Since deterrence of people willing to sacrifice their own lives is by definition impossible, the solution is to imprison or otherwise deactivate people on mere suspicion alone, before they ever get a chance to commit terrorist outrages.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: But that’s illegal!
The Executive Commissioner: Our approach is to extend the definition of criminal offences to include many routine acts performed by fundamentalist Mohammedans, on the grounds that such acts are either in themselves crimes, or constitute preparation of a criminal offense, or else reveal a general propensity for criminal behavior.
These steps would be flanked by strict monitoring of the Mohammedan population to nip in the bud any jihadi discourse by outlawing a number of key phrases and expressions. For example we plan to outlaw the utterance of terrorist war cries in public places. Principally "Allahu akbar”, which many Mohammedan terrorists yell when they perp their outrages. On the other hand many Mohammedans also utter that phrase in more mundane circumstances, say when beheading chickens in accordance with halal ritual. Or as a cry of anguish.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: What does the phrase "Allahu akbar” ["الله أكبر"] originally mean?
The Executive Commissioner: It’s an unverifiable assertion concerning the size, or dimensions if you will, of a supernatural being.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: You mean like unicorns and stuff?
The Executive Commissioner: No, much more sinister than unicorns. This entity, although allegedly completely invisible, is said to wield awesome power over the lives of men. However instead of resorting to His special powers, He just tells Mohammedans what to do, and they do it for Him. I call “Allahu akbar!” an unverifiable assertion, since in order to validly assert that an object possesses certain specified dimensions, prior formulation of a measurement procedure is unavoidable. But nobody has yet figured out how to measure invisible objects, especially if their exact location is a matter of conjecture.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: How does this unique Being -- or Beings -- transmit Its or their commands to the faithful [the Bummah]?
The Executive Commissioner: Generally Mohammedan religious bigwigs infer Allah's will from ancient writings or from omens.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: That certainly sounds like a very convoluted chain of command. There would appear to be much margin for error when interpreting the Divine Will by such procedures. Why doesn’t Allah just write them a Celestial Memorandum? Or a Divine Directive?
The Executive Commissioner: Allah is illiterate.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: I see. So how would the police determine whether the meaning intended for a certain word is unlawful or not?
The Executive Commissioner: No need for fine distinctions. In case of doubt, a phrase is construed as having the most sinister meaning that can be reasonably attributed to it according to the official glossary compiled by expert Arabists who are furthermore skilled in cryptography and counterterrorism operations.
Certain key terms that discreetly allude to acts of religious violence would also be outlawed, especially when discussing religious matters. For example, any ostensibly allegorical use of the term “sword” in a sermon would be severely punished. Other important Mohammedan code terms for referring to violence against non-Mohammedans are “strike them above the neck”, which means beheading, or “what your right hand possesses”, which means captives misused as sex slaves. Any stock phrase like that, that many Mohammedans routinely employ to veil their desire or propensity to breach the human rights of others, would be assessed for criminal intent only AFTER it has been decoded into regular English. We are compiling an official glossary of the plain English meanings of key Mohammedan euphemisms intended to mask their primitive ideology rooted in ancestral desert banditry.
These phrases are the jihadi equivalent of thieves’ cant, a secret jargon where certain ostensibly innocent words convey sinister meanings to the initiated.
Two of the most prominent terms of this sort, whose meanings are nowadays systematically falsified by the Mohammedan and Islamophiliac media establishment and the academics that justify these distortions in order to make them appear unobjectionable, are “jihad” and “madrassa”.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: But wait a moment. You say you want to eliminate islamophobia. But isn’t what you propose itself a form of islamophobia?
The Executive Commissioner: As Mick Jagger once remarked, you don’t always get what you want. It would be a superior sort of islamophobia, meta-Islamophobia, so to speak, an islamophobia to end all Islamophobias.
Because actually, islamophobia is often a rational calculus driven by primeval instinct for self-preservation in the face of uncertainty regarding the intentions of strangers. It’s the same instinct that makes you dodge a speeding car. In other words, islamophobia often merely reflects uncertainty. If we remove from circulation all potential jihadis, any Mohammedan who is still at large would be deemed harmless and consequently would be spared the humiliation of discriminatory treatment motivated by fear of the unknown.
Islamophobia is an information problem. It must be solved by removing doubts from the public’s mind regarding the intentions of certain individuals. And that is most effectively accomplished by using a broad definition of criminal offenses consisting in outlawing the standard preliminary steps on the road to jihadism.
The Situational Analyst pro tem: Well, but you still haven’t explained why we need huge graveyards to accommodate the mortal remains of our Muslim fellow-citizens once their respective souls have departed for
The Executive Commissioner: Since we haven’t yet completed our strategic planning, we must create extra capacity to accommodate any unexpected situation that might arise, such as a Mohammedan uprising.
Report from the Palestinian-Occupied Territories (POTs) – See page M6