Saturday, 3 November 2012

- Blasphemy Richter Scale

[In the name of Allah, the Merciful and Forgiving]

The infidel Western powers have become more aggressive of late in their criticism of our Holy Islamic Law. Especially the ordained penalty for cursing or criticising the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) has attracted attention. The Obama administration and the EU, in their meek, pussy-footing way, granted that gross offenses against the Prophet should continue to be punished with summary execution, as is traditional in our Glorious Civilisation. However we were humbly asked to differentiate the punishment of various degrees of blasphemy, and assign lesser penalties to petty insults to the majesty of His Condensed Milkiness, in order to assuage infidel public opinion.

As Deputy Research Director at the Islamic Law Institute I was assigned the task of establishing a scale of differing degrees of gravity and the corresponding legal penalties.

I have great misgivings about this project, which means nothing less than subjecting our Holy Law to accursed man-made law. Our Sacred Traditions on this score are perfectly clear and can be consulted online at

A few selected cites of the accumulated and inspired wisdom of the ages follows beneath: 

  1. There is no dispute that anyone who curses Allah is killed.
  2. Allah says, "Cursed they will be. Wherever they are found, they are seized and all slain."
  3. The judgement against those who harm Allah and His Prophet is more severe - the death penalty.
  4. "Whoever curses a Prophet, kill him!
  5. Similarly on the Day of the Conquest, he ordered the killing of Ibn Khatal and his two slave girls who used to sing his curses on the Prophet.
  6. In another hadith about a man who used to curse the Prophet, the Prophet said, "Who will save me from my enemy?" Khalid said, "I will," so the Prophet sent him out and he killed him.
  7. Similarly the Prophet commanded that a group of unbelievers who used to injure and curse him, like an-Nadr ibn al-Harith and 'Uqba ibn Abi Mu'ayt, be killed
  8. 'Abdu'r-Razzaq mentioned that a man cursed the Prophet, causing the Prophet to say, "Who will save me from my enemy?" Az-Zubayr said, "I will." He sent az-Zubayr and he killed him.
  9. It is related that a woman used to curse the Prophet and he said, "Who will save me from my enemy?" Khalid ibn al-Walid went out and killed her.
  10. Ibn Qani' related that a man came to the Prophet and said, "Messenger of Allah, I heard my father say something ugly about you, so I killed him," and that did not distress the Prophet.
  11. So the Imams take this, as a proof that anyone who does anything that might anger, harm or curse the Prophet in any way should be killed.
  12. "It is not lawful to kill a Muslim for cursing anyone except the Messenger of Allah. Whoever curses him, his blood is lawful."
  13. However, the consensus is that anyone who curses him is to be killed as we have already stated.
  14. Anyone who curses or disparages the Prophet has shown clear symptoms of the sickness of his heart and proof of his real convictions and belief.
  15. To be judged an unbeliever, his statement must either be a clear statement of disbelief, like calling the Prophet a liar, or originate from mocking words and censure.
  16. Because upholding the Prophet's honour is an obligation owed by his entire community
  17. … the punishment of someone who curses the Prophet is that he is to be is killed

Nonetheless, I decided to prepare a phony fatwa to pull the wool over the eyes of the gullible Westerners, in which we officially declare for the record that certain minor blasphemies should be punished more humanely, for example by cutting out the offender’s tongue or mutilating his reproductive organs without anaesthesia.

I asked my assistants to come up with a draft ranking of big ,middling and small blasphemies, and a few days later was handed this note:

In the name of Allah, the Merciful and Forgiving

Oh Most Honourable Deputy Research Director:

Obeying your illustrious commands, we have reluctantly drafted a list of the most common blasphemies directed by infidels and other miscreants against our Holy Prophet (pbuh) and have tried to rank them by the seriousness of the affront to His Sanctity. 

 However we were overwhelmed by the task, most repugnant to faithful Muslims, of classifying this odious material, which is thrice accursed in Allah’s eyes,  and accordingly have been unable to agree on their relative gravity. We are consequently submitting a list in alphabetical order so that you may make a preliminary classification.


The Prophet Mohammed enjoyed gouging people’s eyeballs out
The Prophet Mohammed invented the idea of paradise so that his followers would be willing to die fighting for his sordid ambitions
The Prophet Mohammed loved to inflict pain
The Prophet Mohammed never actually existed
The Prophet Mohammed never saw any angels, he just made up all that Holy Qur’ân crap as he went along, pretending Allah had instructed whatever was momentarily convenient for Mohammed’s sordid political plans

The Prophet Mohammed used to beat his wives
The Prophet Mohammed used to cheat at poker
The Prophet Mohammed was an ignoramus
The Prophet Mohammed was a bloodthirsty killer
The Prophet Mohammed was a cranky old fart in old age
The Prophet Mohammed was a cranky middle-aged fart in middle age
The Prophet Mohammed was a cranky young fart in young age
The Prophet Mohammed was a disgusting pervert
The Prophet Mohammed was a dreadful poet
The Prophet Mohammed was a homicidal maniac
The Prophet Mohammed was a hypocritical slime bag
The Prophet Mohammed was a lecherous creep
The Prophet Mohammed was a lowlife and a rat fink
The Prophet Mohammed was a mass murderer
The Prophet Mohammed was a megalomaniac
The Prophet Mohammed was a pathological liar
The Prophet Mohammed was a rank opportunist
The Prophet Mohammed was a sadistic torturer
The Prophet Mohammed was a slave trader
The Prophet Mohammed was a smelly baboon
The Prophet Mohammed was a sneaky, treacherous bastard
The Prophet Mohammed was a transvestite
The Prophet Mohammed was an opinionated horse’s ass
The Prophet Mohammed was as stubborn as a goat
The Prophet Mohammed was cruel to animals
The Prophet Mohammed was in favour of rape
The Prophet Mohammed would incite quarrels among his followers
The Prophet Mohammed’s sayings are mostly nonsense

In the  hope that we have acted correctly by carrying out this most disagreeable task, we remain
Your most humble servants
Ali and Mustafa
Research Assistants
Blasphemy Division

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