by Adolf Hitlist
As a Muslim, I am undergoing a grave crisis of faith. I can no longer sincerely state that I believe there is just one God. As a result of certain cosmological speculations I have engaged in, I have reached an unalterable conclusion: I concede that there is approximately one God, but I cannot go so far as to say that there is precisely one God.
To express my ideas in mathematical form: I agree that there is 1 God, but NOT that there is 1.0 God or 1,00 God. My calculations have revealed that there is actually 1.063 God. Close enough for me to pass muster as a monotheist by most standards. But not mathematically rigorous enough for a Wahhabi, say.
On the other hand I am comforted by the thought that even a Wahhabi would hesitate to call me a polytheist on the strength of a paltry excess of 0.063 Gods. De minimis not curat sharia. Perhaps we can work something out, find some modus vivendi, agree to disagree on what is, in the final analysis, a negligible fraction of Godliness, that we can simply allow to fall between the cracks with no ill effects, get the picture?
Because in my humble opinion, quality is FAR more important than quantity. Especially when we’re deeply involved in heavy-duty theological elucubrations like these, if you catch my drift. After all, this is a root cosmological issue on which the fate of the universe depends! We’re not going to squabble about chicken-feed like 0.063 of a God, with so much at stake, are we now? Get the picture? Gotta be realistic, I always say.
And you can rest assured that I would never go so far as to say that there is, say, 1.27 God. That would be a truly revolutionary statement that, even with my fabled powers of persuasion, I would never be able to get a bunch of hirsute oolayma to sign off on.
Although on the other hand, it ill behooves dwellers of the
and their ilk
to wax persnickety on issues concerned with mathematical precision. I hereby refer
the gentile reader to my groundbreaking denunciation of Mohammedan fecklessness
that I wrote in my bad old days, before I Saw the Light and Converted to The
One True Faith. Arabic
I really MUST contrive a new title for my essay. You see, at the time I was an incorrigible scoffer at all things Divine, and, I am deeply ashamed to confess, I committed the unpardonable sin of giving it the truly disrespectful title of
The Kaaba – Mohammedan Horse-Shit in Microcosm.
In this trenchant tour de force I laid bare for the world to see the essentially imprecise nature of Islam – for there I reveal that:
- Al-ka’aba in Arabic means "the cube", “cube" being defined as a three-dimensional body with six equal square faces. So far so good, BUT
- The Kaaba is not shaped like a cube! And CONSEQUENTLY
- Islam is guilty of that most ignominious of solecisms, namely calling a geometrical body by the wrong name for fourteen centuries without a break!
I rest my case.