our special correspondent in Paradise, Shmuel
I have been in Paradise,
and it works!
A onetime skeptic, I have personally been
able to visit Paradise as a guest, at the
special invitation of Sultan Abdulhamid II, and have verified that the account
given in the Holy Qur'ān is perfectly true. As a matter of fact I have made a
number of photographs, of which here I show you only two: The Virgins’ Waiting
Room and a view of the Hall of Sensual Pleasures for Gentlemen. I was not
allowed to visit the Hall of Sensual Pleasures for Ladies.
As a Muslim, I am undergoing a grave crisis
of faith. I can no longer sincerely state that I believe there is just one God.
As a result of certain cosmological speculations I have engaged in, I have
reached an unalterable conclusion: I concede that there is approximately
one God, but I cannot go so far as to say that there is precisely one God.
To express my ideas in mathematical form: I
agree that there is 1 God, but NOT that there is 1.0 God or 1,00 God. My
calculations have revealed that there is actually 1.063 God. Close enough for
me to pass muster as a monotheist by most standards. But not mathematically rigorous enough for a
On the other hand I am comforted by the
thought that even a Wahhabi would hesitate to call me a polytheist on the
strength of a paltry excess of 0.063 Gods. De minimis not curat sharia. Perhaps
we can work something out, find some modus vivendi, agree to disagree on
what is, in the final analysis, a negligible fraction of Godliness, that we can
simply allow to fall between the cracks with no ill effects, get the picture?
Because in my humble opinion, quality is FAR more important than quantity. Especially
when we’re deeply involved in heavy-duty theological elucubrations like these,
if you catch my drift. After all, this is a root cosmological issue on which
the fate of the universe depends! We’re not going to squabble about chicken-feed
like 0.063 of a God, with so much at stake, are we now? Get the picture? Gotta be realistic,
I always say.
And you can rest assured that I would never
go so far as to say that there is, say, 1.27 God. That would be a truly
revolutionary statement that, even with my fabled powers of persuasion, I would never be able
to get a bunch of hirsute oolayma to sign off on.
Although on the other hand, it ill behooves
dwellers of the ArabicPeninsula and their ilk
to wax persnickety on issues concerned with mathematical precision. I hereby refer
the gentile reader to my groundbreaking denunciation of Mohammedan fecklessness
that I wrote in my bad old days, before I Saw the Light and Converted to The
One True Faith.
I really MUST contrive a new title for my
essay. You see, at the time I was an incorrigible scoffer at all things Divine,
and, I am deeply ashamed to confess, I committed the unpardonable sin of giving
it the truly disrespectful title of
The Kaaba – Mohammedan Horse-Shit in
In this trenchant tour de force I
laid bare for the world to see the essentially imprecise nature of Islam – for
there I reveal that:
Al-ka’aba in Arabic means "the cube", “cube"
being defined as a three-dimensional body with six equal square faces. So
far so good, BUT
The Kaaba is not shaped like a cube! And
Islam is guilty of that most ignominious of solecisms, namely
calling a geometrical body by the wrong name for fourteen centuries
without a break!
are among the deeds most pleasing to Allah”. Bloated Gangstapimp parasite
Hashem Islam of the notorious IslamobsterAl-AzharUniversity
in Cairo licks
his chops gleefully while he calls for more suicide bombings. Camel-driver
cults suck big time. SLAUGHTERFAITH, دين القتل