Tuesday, 3 April 2012

SYPHILIS WITH A HUMAN FACE


Privy Council Minutes

Fourth Year of the Reign of King Waldemar VI
- 23 April -

The King:
 So Moslems want freedom to practice their … uh …”religion”?

Privy Councilor:
In general terms, that is correct, Your Majesty.

The King:
Whaddya mean “in general terms“, Privy Councilor?

Privy Councilor:
Well, I say that because recently I heard certain people imply that Islam is not actually a religion, but a different artifact altogether, known as a …… uh … I've forgotten the word.

The King:
Oh, I know the word you mean. You mean instead of a religion they call it a “thugnotion”?

Privy Councilor:
“Thugnotion!” That’s the word! … I think it's from the ancient Greek. Sounds kinda disreputable, if you know what I mean.

The King:
Yes, I daresay it doesn’t sound terribly enticing … Well, where there's smoke there's fire, you know. Tell me, Privy Councilor, what do Moslems actually MEAN when they mention the word “freedom”? Howzabout in countries dominated by Moslems, is there freedom of religion there, or what's the scoop?

Privy Councilor:
Well, Your Majesty, it varies from one country to another in the Moslem world, otherwise known as Dar es-Salaam, or “House of Peace”. All Moslem countries have vowed to respect human rights … well, a sort of human rights, let's say.

The King:
 Explain yourself, Maximovsky! You talk in riddles.

Privy Councilor:
Well, you see, it's a little difficult to explain, Your Majesty, but their concept of human rights is slightly different from ours. They give them a different name, too. They call them “Moslem human rights”.

The King:
 “Moslem human rights”, eh? Holy Mother of God! What will those clowns think of next?

Privy Councilor:
The “Moslem human rights” are listed in this summary of the Cairo Declaration, Your Majesty [hands the King a summary of the  Cairo Declaration]

The King:
 Yes, I see, well, looks quite sensible, I suppose. Right to life …. Hmm There are a lot of footnotes on this right to life article. Small print, too. Difficult to read. Meningistew, please fetch my largest magnifying glass!

Meningistew:
 This very instant, Your Majesty! [Meningistew hands the King a large magnifying glass. Pause while the King pores over footnotes through the magnifying glass.]

The King:
 Mmmm. Tell me, Maximovsky, what does “sharia” mean?

Privy Councilor:
Well, Your Majesty it’s a completely harmless traditional philosophy cultivated by most Moslems, you see. Quite harmless, really. And they only apply it among themselves, you see. It is NEVER applied to people of another religion. Like the Copts, for example.

The King:
 Copts? As in the phrase “Cheese it, the Copts are coming”?

Privy Councilor:
No, that’s a different kind of Copts, Your Majesty.

The King:
 Are you sure about that? It seems the Egyptian army is slaughtering a lot of Copts these days. Are you SURE Moslems never apply their internal hanky-panky to people who follow other doctrines?

Privy Councilor:
Absolutely positive,

The King:
 How can you be so sure?

Privy Councilor:
Well, because the leading Moslem organization said so.

The King:
 Oh, really, what's that organization called?

Privy Councilor:
CARE, may it please your Majesty.

The King:
CARE, eh? What kind of background does it have?

Privy Councilor:
Well … uh … it used to be called “Allah’s Death Squads”, or something equally quaint.

The King:
 Hmmm … “Allah’s Death Squads”, eh? And what kind of international relations do they have?

Privy Councilor:
 CARE is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hamas.

The King:
 Hamas? That rings a bell. Aren’t they the folks who closed down a Greek Orthodox school in Gaza by shooting rockets at it? And murdered the owner of a Methodist bookstore?

Privy Councilor:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Hamas didn't do that, those were fundamentalist fringe elements.

The King:
 I see, so Hamas collared the extremists and put them on trial?

Privy Councilor:
Well, actually, not exactly, Your Majesty. Hamas respects the autonomy of other militant Moslem organizations. You see, Islam has a long tradition of respect for individual rights. Collective rights, too. Especially if they’re the collective rights of other Moslems. On the other hand, they're more tolerant when non-Moslems' rights are violated. That is, they don't seem to mind it so much when it's non-Moslems who get screw …I mean, non-Moslems’ rights that are trodden underfoot.

The King:
That sounds truly extraordinary, Maximovsky! That reminds me of a history book I read when I was a kid, about an empire. I think it was called the “Syphilitic Union” or something of the sort.

Privy Councilor:
Oh, I suppose Your Majesty means the Soviet Union?

The King:
Yes, that’s it, I always confuse those foreign names. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, Maximovsky, you know so much more about these things than I do. But … as I was saying, the Moslem concept of human rights strangely resembles the Syphilitic concept of human rights. You could almost call Islam “Syphilis with a human face”.

Privy Councilor:
If it pleases Your Majesty, but perhaps Your Majesty shouldn't be making that kind of remark in the Palace, you know. There are many fishy elements lurking about. And they insist on Respect, with a capital R.

The King:
In my own palace I'll say what I bloody well please! Who's going to gainsay me?

Privy Councilor:
Well, nobody specific, Your Majesty, it's just that … I think Your Majesty’s throne is bugged.

The King:
 BUGGED!? How dare you, Maximovsky! You have been watching too many gangster movies!

Privy Councilor:
If it pleases Your Majesty.

The King:
Dismissed!

Privy Councilor:
Have a good day, Your Majesty.
Slaughterfaith - Review of Clinical Islamunacy

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