Wednesday, 4 May 2011

The Secret Pre-History of the Holy Scribble

Once upon a time there were two brothers whose names were Mo’ Hammed  and Lester Hammed, also known as Les Hammed.

Les Hammed was fairly bright, but his brother Mo’ Hammed was a horse’s ass. Mo ‘Hammed would spend his time visiting the temples pertaining to various religions in Meccanicsville, Ohio, their home town. He would pick up a sentence here and a phrase there, because Mo’ Hammed had a secret ambition to compose a Holy Book that would outshine them all. And since Mo’ Hammed  was nothing but an ignorant baboon, the only way he could think of making his holy book was copying the best parts of all the other holy books. In other words, Mo’ Hammed belonged to the school of Off-the-Cuff Syncretic Eclecticism (OCSE).

Mo’ Hammed was terribly impressed with a phrase he picked up at the Zoroastrian temple – or was it the temple of Apollo? Anyway, it was one of those sects, and the phrase Mo’ Hammed heard that impressed him so much was “in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Goat”.

Mo’ Hammed was very fond of goats. But I mean REALLY, REALLY fond of goats, if you catch my drift. He was the original goat buster, or goat fucker, as they are also called. I believe his followers are even today occasionally called by that name.

So Mo’ Hammed decided to make the central deity in his proposed pantheon a Goat God, whose name was going to  be – what else? -- the Holy Goat. By the way, at no time did he give a monotheistic approach a second thought. 

Now Mo’ Hammed was a sporting type. He often went to the goat races that were  held in Meccanicsville, Ohio, and would earn a little money betting on the outcome of the goat races. 

And he decided that his holy book was going to  be about goat racing and it would be called The Holy Goat Ran. That's the name of that famous book about a goat race, right? The Holy Goat Ran, isn’t it?

But the week before he gave the manuscript to the printer, something happened to make Mo’ Hammed  change his feeble mind. A terrible panzoodemic spread throughout the goat population of the region, causing goats to expire by the truckload, writhing in agony.  

Since Mo’ Hammed was a shitheaded superstitious twerp -- and a craven opportunist to boot --  he decided it would be inauspicious to start off his new smeligion with a loser tetrapod like goats. And that is why he changed the name of his holy book from The Holy Goat Ran to The Holy Cow Ran. And of course, he rewrote the book so it would be about cow races instead of goat races.

The Holy Cow Ran is also known as ICMJ – The Interminable Compendium of Mo’ Hammedan Mumbo-Jumbo.


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