Friday, 15 April 2011


Industrial-scale blasphemy facility planned

From our blasphemy correspondent Satan Smith

Blueprints have been approved by the Regional Development Planning Board for construction of an industrial-scale, largely automatically operating, Islamic Blasphematorium, with a rated capacity for burning 20,000 Korans a day. In crisis moments, the plant's output can be drastically increased to 69 thousand Korans per day by instituting 3-shift, round the clock operation.

Inspection of the blueprints reveals the meticulous, ingeniously designed processing system: dog-eared Korans are loaded by bulldozer onto a conveyor belt, and successively subjected to a series of processes theologically designed to inspire rage in the hearts of the Mohammedan riffraff.

Firstly the Korans are liberally sprinkled with horse-shit from 563 overhead industrial-strength, forged beryllium nozzles. Instead of horse-shit, theologically more controversial inputs can be used. The plant can switch over to pigs’ urine pumped in from its own Olympic sized underground storage tanks containing more than a million gallons of concentrated pigs’ urine, enough to drench 36 million medium-sized Korans. Chief Engineer Dr. Mustafa Goochum claims that the switchover from horse-shit to pigs’ urine can be accomplished in 38 seconds flat, without halting the production process. “Allah be praised!”, he exclaimed with a smirk. “This is truly a triumph of modern engineering”.

The Allahu Akbar facility is scheduled to the become the country’s largest consumer of pigs’ urine in fewer than 3 years. Eventually a shipping company called Porky’s, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Allahu Akbar’s holding company, Elders of Zion Industries, will have a fleet of pig-piss tankers cruising the world’s oceans to assure steady supply of the precious fluid.

Used Korans are bought in bulk in selected Muddle Eastern bazaars. Most languages are accepted, but Allahu Akbar pays only half rate for Korans printed in Esperanto or Yiddish.

After much haggling they are purchased and trucked to a local processing facility. There they are disinfected, spot-checked for orthodoxy by crews of mullahs equipped with theology degrees from Al Azhar University in Cairo, and loaded into containers for their journey to the Blasphematorium and a fiery fate.

Our correspondent phoned the Rector’s Office at Al Azhar to elicit comment on its graduates performing this sort of work, i.e. screening Korans for faithfulness to the Arch-Koran, the world standard, which is preserved in a nitrogen-filled, bomb-proof underground vault at an undisclosed oasis in Sãodi Arabia. A backup copy of the Arch-Koran is kept at the Kremlin in Moscow under heavy guard.

At first the Deputy Rector, Sheikh Dr. Kussomak Ahmar, was exultant on learning of this new market niche for his graduates. However, when he was told the ultimate destination of the Holy Writings, i.e. desecration and subsequent incineration at a dodgy industrial blasphemy facility in western Mongolia, his tone changed abruptly.

(to be continued)

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